Break time

I'm so frustrated. I've been follwing the journey on my process journal but with no time to post here, but now I'm on a hiatus indeed. With all the things I have to do for our moving (for those who doesn't know, we're moving by the end of the month to anothe state and build our own home -  it's all in my other blog), I just can't focus properly. And thisSoul Journey is too serious and important to me to be led this way. I want to focus, to give myself  the way I consider the right way, so I'll make a break here (I'm in the end of Water week - while the city is taken by implacable rains!), and start again in the beggining of next year.

I'm so thankful for Jami and her commitment with this process, I learned to respect her through this phase. I'm sorry I couldn't follow up other friends' journeys, but I will catch up as soon as possible, it's wonderful to see the impact it brought to everyone's lives.

I wish everybody a beautiful Yule/Christmas time!

My Soul Mission Collage

Day 8 - Exploring the Turning Points in my life

"I unconditionally accept my feelings... and what I feel is not who I am"

I like this affirmation. Maybe sometimes I don't like what I feel, but I accept them as part of my growth. But sometimes what I feel is what I am, but not always.

I should exam the turning points in my life and my recurring emotions. Wow! There were many, good and bad.

1. My parents. I was blessed with fun, loving parents. They were unbelievable. Not perfect, but unbelievable. I know how lucky I am for this. I f am a positive person, it's thanks to them. Their attitude when facing their constant hard times was incredibly important to me. We're a very funny and ironical family, and even during hard times, we learned to keep the laughter flowing somehow. I know the bricks on my walls are solid mainly because of this.


2. When I was almost 4 years old, I had a big problem with my brother Delcinho, he would scare the hell out of me sometimes, frightening me in dark corners of the house with shouts, for instance. About twenty years ago we had a very long talk about it, and we ended it crying, with him asking for forgiving him for his stupid behaviour. Of course I forgave him, I knew he was a good man, he was just a weird boy. But due to this I grew up a very fearful child, and I would go to my parents' bed almost every night afraid of the dark. That was very hard to get over, and even nowadays, sometimes when the light suddenly goes off, I feel goosebumps.


3. One thingthat influenced my life was when we moved to a kinda rural area when I was 7. we lived in a very small town, surrounded by Nature, and I was (quoting Suzie here) a wild child. I looked like Mogli. Skinny, bare feet, only wearing shorts, climbing trees all the time or running around with my dog Black. It was then that I started feeling this connection with something spiritual, my pagan path started then, unoticed. I loved living in that place, our house was big enough for all of us 6 kids (my siblings were all teenagers at that time) and my parents.


4. At this time, my 3 brothers had several hippie friends who were adorable, and I was their "mascot", the only child in the group. Music started influencing my life at this point, with new Brazilian artists launching awesome albums, that my brother Arnaldo played all the time during the parties and meetings. I consider this period as my real childhood, because it was when I was more independent and could do a lot of things on my own. I had a few friends, most of times I spent alone exploring the empty cotton factory in our place, or reading a lot of Agatha Christie and Monteiro Lobato (amazing Brazilian writer). I clearly know that it was there that my personality was built.


5. We moved to Petropolis when I was almost 13. It was great, a change that I loved, even letting our small town behind - it was part of my childhood, and it was over then. I was growing up and want to see more, feel more, and Petropolis was the perfect city, small but not too much, with everything at hand. I was already an avid reader, and I used to spend lots of afternoons with my mom at second-hand bookstores choosing books and discussing them with her. My family has always been essential in my life, and during my teenage years they were there for me.


6. Being in love... Oh gods... I used to fall in love so easily and so completely. This was something recorrent in my life and also defined who I am, because I could never simply put my toe into the pool to see if the water was cold. Instead, I always jumped in diving to the bottom, cold or warm the water may be. This is still me, most of times.


7. My father's illness. For many years, we watched my father being taken to the hospital, due to his skin cancer, prostate cancer, bladder cancer. He was an amazing fighter (we used to call him Highlander), and won many battles with good humour, another characteristic of us in the family, by the way. I had to face death many times each time he was ill, and breathing was hard sometimes, but it strengthen me.


8. I moved to Rio on my own to study at college in 98. I was a late student, but here this is common. I was excited for starting something new, renting a room to live on my own, being totally independent. I never completed my studies, though, the expenses grew too high for me to pay. But the experience was wonderful, I met great people, and it was then that


9. I met my husband. Remember number 6? That's it. We met in February, '99, and in September of the same year we were living together. It changed my life ever since. Now I wasn't alone in the pool, and it felt good to be with him in the warm water.


10. In 2001, my dad died after losing his long battle to prostate cancer. One thing I remember hurting me was to watch my brother carrying his coffin. It touched me so deep. My brother Evaldo crying on my shoulder at the funeral (he never cries). I missed my father so much, he was such an incredible figure in my life. It took me a long time to dream with him close to me. He would always be far, then gradually he was talking to me in my dreams, and one night I woke up crying, because we danced in ome dream. He taught me to dance, and that dream was vivid in my mind. I stillmiss my dad, but I am ok, I know he needs to complete his mission, in another dimension.


11. In 2003 Lucas was born, after a pregnancy in bed due to my double womb (oh that was fine, I was reading and watching movies all the time). Now that is a turning point, you bloggy friends who readmy blog know what I mean. I don't think everybody has to be a parent. But when you are, and if you care, it will dramatically change your life, your points of view about life,about yourself. It's a huge impact. Thank gods it happened when I was already 33, with this mind I got after all the events I just mentioned. It's tricky because you want to protect them all the time, but you can't. So as a mission for my life, I know that guiding him to become a decent, independent, with good values human being, it's what I can do, and is hard.


12. When my older sister died for brain cancer, it was devastating for the whole family. We were very, very close, she was like a second mother to me. I loved her dearly and could do mothing to ease her pain, her suffering. Watch her slowly die in front of our eyes was a abrupt pain in our hearts. We're still trying to cope with it, each one on their own way. The positive fact I take from it, if any, is that I definitely learned to put things on the proper perspective. Nothing is so important, so bad. Nothing is so definitive. If we have a weight over our shoulders, it's because we can carry it until being able to stop and put it to the ground. More than ever I thank more than I complain.

Day 7 - Exploring my Soul Mission in Life

"Who I am is enough"

+I love how flexible this program is. I know I'm behind, but I'm ok with it. I allow myself to be late. I know my soul understands it. No pressure within, enough from the without!

This weekend was good. After all the stress and feelings of being lost (and thank you for the awesome words of support, how essential they are when we're fragile inside!) during the last days, it was time to end the Air week with a big clean up in all senses. So first, I made that rearrangement in my wardrobe, and reordered everything so that my handcraft stuff could have a decent place in it (remember, tiny space? that's it). Then I made the same inside my bedside table (it's an old one that I love, round and hollow inside with an opening - arght, bad description), that it's filled with files of images it for some time! So I cleaned it up, filling a big plastic bag with torn paper, useless images, and kept everything else in one single file.

Then, in the evening, after Lucas was put to sleep, Rodrigo and I had a serious talk about my crisis. We talked about our fears, our expectations, our doubts. And we put everything in the proper place, not letting anything out. We made an important mind & heart decluttering that helped us to get ready to face this bad phase we're in right now. This way we feel safer to go on, without any misunderstanding. We said sorry for each other about our earlier stupidity, and I felt better, my heart lighter without that weight.

So only today I could start planning what to for the day 7. My soul mission. I started writting down on my journal about it, and started a what happened after that big depressing day.

Day 6 - Lightining up - Letting go

"I am safe and centered no matter where I am"

Last night I had a huge migraine crisis, due to  my upcoming period-of-the-month, and the stress on my work. It lasted all night, and I still feel it behind my left eye. At lunch time I also had a awful argument with my husband, everything related to our present situation, things that come to surface in times of stress, that we don't care in better times, one of those useless arguments, that leads to nowhere.. Not a good day. So while I was waiting on the line at the bank this afternoon, I opened the book and read the above affirmation, and today's statement, I almost cried. I was so much in need of these words! I really need to relax, and simply breath, without thinking of our uncertain future.

When I finish writing here, I'll take those 15 minutes to empty my mind. I'll turn off the lights, and I'll slowly breath in, breath out.

She also asks to schedule some time to relax. Although I feel relaxed when I'm playing with my son, I admit that I don't do anything lately to relax. I mean, I also love reading before sleeping, it's relaxing for me, but beside this, nothing. I have to find some time to myeslf, wake up earlier, whatever. I'll do this, because if I stay in this rollercoaster, it will bring me no peace to deal with this process.

Day 5 - Energy up / Energy down

"Fresh, invigorating energy fills my life"

This is funny. As I said, I do love organizing and decluttering. And this makes this exercise a bit harder here. When we moved to this apartment, I took the chance to make a good clean-up in everything we have. As we live in a tiny place, I didn't want to have it all piled up in ueless stuff.

So on Level 1, I already knew that everything inside my house is energy up, because I did removed what I didn't like before moving. My house has only a few decorative items, and each of them it's treasured by us. I know it sounds too good to be true, but believe me, living in such tiny space has this advantage, there's no way of keeping stuff you don't like!

The only problem, if it can be called this way, it's that we need to keep tidying it up all the time, due to my litle witch. We taught him to put his toys back on their proper place, and he does it, but of course, there are always toy cars, Max Steels (yes, in the plural!), sheets of paper, crayons, you name it, spread all over. So the major clean-up is on weekends, and on week days we just keep the floor swept and the furniture dust-free.

On Level 2 I answered "yes" to almost everything. But I need to rearrange my wardrobe in a wiser way, so I can keep my crafts in good order. We need to repair one of the walls from a slight leaking from the neighbour apartment, but gotta wait till extra money is available. I do have one unfinished project that is bugging me - a tape with a interview in English to be transcribed (a free-lancer work). This was neglected for a long time, I can't sincerely explain why (this is something to be analysed!), and now with my unstable financial situation, I can't postpone finishing it anymore. It's the only thing that is really upsetting me. I just need to finish listening to side 2, and all I need to do is to borrow a tape recorder from a friend, since we don't have one.

So this weekend will be the real time for day 5. I'll finish this tape to feel free from ashamely procrastinating, and 'll rearrange my wardrobe. In the middle of this, I believe I'll find food for thought, because things are never perfect as it seems. I'll talk about it here later!

Day 4 - Where are you now in your life?

"I love and accept who I am... And who I am is enough"

And that would be just enough for me. To accept that I can not make more than I do.

Yesterday was a weird day. I should simply observe life events as they went throughout the day, and keep track of my thoughts and fellings toward them. Now that was challenging. My mind is usually full of thoughts that come running like horses on a race. I just live them, without analyzing if they are positive or negative and how I react to them.

And as the whole day was full of craft activities (luckly boss wasn't here so I could get ahead with them), one can easily imagine how galloping thoughts were. When I'm working on my crafts, it's like a trance. While I sew my little things, my thoughts are also sewed in a long ribbon. Lately my focus is on my working situation, of course, so dark clouds would keep bothering over my head, and I tried to send them away from my sight. At night, in bed, when I was writting on my journal, I was frustrated because I just couldn't be aware of myself as I wanted to.

But then I looked at my husband reading by my side, and listened to my son moving on his sleep on his bed. I looked to my new bedside altar. And I remembered the affirmation of the day, and I remembered that I do love and I do accept who I am. I remembered everything that led me to this point in my life. And I remembered that I do love where I am now in my life. I wouldn't change a step. It's just that sometimes, when I have a battle to fight like right now, it's easy to let self-pity throw its mantle over my shoulders and make me shrink under its weight. So I shook my shoulders and let the mantle fall to my feet.

Although I wish I could make things happen faster so my present crisis is over, I'm grateful to what I've accomplished. I'm ok with myself, and I felt warm with the thought that I have the opportunity to make my life an incredible adventure, if I simply let it be.